A psychological trick that makes someone think “I want to see you again” three times as strongly
Hello, this is Gesha—Shimoyama.
“I’m a people person who’s not good at talking to others.”
Even though I joined the Stock Academy, I’m not confident I can make friends.”
I sometimes hear this kind of story.
In general society people who are shy
tend to be less valued than sociable people,
so many shy people might want to overcome it.
But what you must not misunderstand is that “being shy”
is not inherently bad at all, nor is it shameful.
On the contrary, there are advantages
to being shy that you can gain.
Because you are shy
there are things you’re able to gain, and things that can save you.
What kind of gains do you think they are?
The answer is in a YouTube video.
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https://youtu.be/WKjeaKLW5ss
Even for those who aren’t shy,
it is meaningful content
and we hope you’ll watch it.
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Shyness might be a fabrication of the mind
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In Stock Academy as well, there are people who are shy
and don’t talk much with others nearby,
but
however, surprisingly,
even such people
when spoken to face-to-face
often talk quite freely.
“The impression I had was different,”
is something that can happen.
People, depending on the situation,
can change in many ways.
For example even if you’re shy,
when you talk with someone who shares the same hobby in sports or games,
even though you’re meeting for the first time, you may end up passionately talking about it,
such experiences aren’t uncommon, are they?
Television Asahi’s program “Amateur Talk” features comedians talking about things they love,
and even comedians who aren’t usually very talkative
become quite animated when they discuss their favorites.
People can change a lot depending on who they’re talking to and what the topic is.
In fact, the very notion of “shyness”
is something that may be planted by the surrounding environment and is just a misconception.
For example, if someone tells you
“You’re shy, aren’t you?”
and you think to yourself,
“Oh, I am shy.”
And then
“Because I’m shy, if I act like this, people might find it surprising…”
you end up behaving more shyly than ever.
In psychology this is called “labeling,”
and it may be that the voices of those around you condition you to think you’re shy.
So, you shouldn’t decide, “I am this kind of person.”
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The Psychology Trick That Makes People Want to See You Again Three Times More
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“But,
there are situations where you must talk to people, and
as a shy person that can be tough,”
some may think, but there is an interesting data point about communication
that I’d like to share.
Last year, I attended several marriage-hunting parties
to find a marriage partner.
What I felt there was that both men and women tend to judge others by obvious, surface-level traits.
Of course appearance, and
if you’re male, your profession or income
and other “specs” tend to affect popularity.
In a short amount of time,
it’s natural that you can’t deeply understand your partner.
Having attended these parties, I felt that
it’s a world dominated by such specs,
yet there is another side to marriage-hunting parties as well.
In fact, due to one factor, the probability that you think “I want to meet again” at a marriage party has been found to be three times higher.
It’s not about income or looks or such.
What do you think it is?
It is, “the way you talk.”
A single way of speaking can
increase the probability that someone wants to meet you again
threefold.
Now, what kind of talking style makes others favor you?
The answer is here.
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In marriage parties, couples whose talking styles were most closely imitated
among them were more likely to want to meet again
compared with those who didn’t imitate each other.
Even among dating couples,
couples with similar talking styles were more likely to still be together
three months later.
Joe Burger
“Invisible Influence: The Power to Decide”
Toyosha Publishing Co., Ltd.
December 16, 2016, first edition, first printing
P.59
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When your talk style resembles the other person’s, the probability of they wanting to meet again
appears to rise dramatically.
Three times is a strong effect, isn’t it?
So if there is someone you want to get along with,
when you talk to that person,
one option is to imitate their way of speaking.
If you blatantly imitate,
they may think you’re mocking them,
and you could incur hostility, so you must be careful,
but if you imitate naturally,
the distance between you will shrink.
Imagine this:
If someone much younger than you speaks to you
using phrases you would never use yourself like “That’s lame,”
how would you feel?
Wouldn’t your heartbeat falter at that moment?
Conversely, if someone speaks in your usual style,
and they initiate conversation, you’ll feel comfortable.
But, why does merely having a similar speaking style
increase likeability?
Put simply, because it creates familiarity.
Going a bit deeper,
it reduces cognitive load on the brain,
which is another reason it feels positive.
I will also introduce a passage that explains this.
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When you recognize something as familiar,
the brain doesn’t have to work as hard to understand it,
so the effort is lower, and
the emotion that you feel as familiarity becomes positive.
Joe Burger
“Invisible Influence: The Power to Decide”
Toyosha Publishing Co., Ltd.
December 16, 2016, first edition, first printing
P.227
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“If you don’t have to think much, it’s easier and less stressful.”
That’s right.
To summarize:
There’s no need to overcome shyness;
in fact, it can be considered a talent.
There can even be benefits.
Shyness may itself be a misconception.
However, at times you might worry,
“I want to get closer to that person, but I’m shy….”
and you might stress over it.
In such moments, try mimicking a bit of their speaking style,
or look for common topics to discuss,
and your relationship will likely change.
Now,
thank you for watching until the end today as well.
Keizo Shimoyama
